A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
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A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A school teacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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"Stewardess"
"Yes, Sir?"
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."
"Captain, shut up and land the plane."
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "How dare you serve me this! There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"
"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."
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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stepped in to see you."
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A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"
The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The swines never bring 'em back!"
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Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail.
"Why did you step on that snail, Tom?" asked his perplexed co-worker.
"Cause that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"
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