Psychiatrists

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

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What a Lawyer can do...

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Life and Death

It was a deathbed scene, but the film director was not satisfied with the actor's acting. It took several takes and till the director couldn't get satisfied.

"Come On" he roared. "Put more life into your dying"

x = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = x

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

My Car Has Been Stolen (Joke)

The absent-minded professor drove up to the door of his garrage, looked inside, blinked, and he turned around and drove at full speed to the police station.

"Inspector" he gasped, "My car's been stolen"

Mental Asylum...

Crazy Hero

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?

Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has be been
acting like a chicken?

Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

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Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.

Computer Jokes...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

Computer Terms

* PCMCIA -People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

* ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

* SCSI - System Can't See It

* DOS - Defective Operating System

* BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

* IBM - I Blame Microsoft

* DEC - Do Expect Cuts

* CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

* OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

* WWW - World Wide Wait

* MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

* PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

* COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

* AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

* LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

* MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

* WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

* MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

* RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

Professional Jokes

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

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A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A school teacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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"Stewardess"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "How dare you serve me this! There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"

"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stepped in to see you."

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A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"

The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."

The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."

The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The swines never bring 'em back!"

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Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail.

"Why did you step on that snail, Tom?" asked his perplexed co-worker.

"Cause that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"